Player: Rich Veilleux
Team: Smokin’ Bases
Lover or Fighter: Both
Favorite drink: Capri Sun juice box (Fruit Punch)

Rich comes back to us after a successful rookie season that was watched as intently as Aaron Judge’s. ‘
“There’s no way he’s going to smash the ball that far again” was often heard throughout the park as Rich strolled to the plate.
As a league, we had to stop allowing signs being brought into the stadium because the ‘Marry Me, Rich’ signs simply came up just shy of blocking the sun at most games.

Never shy, we sent field reporter, Jen Hampton, to talk to Rich about the 2018 season.

[Hampton] Hi Rich, it’s a pleasure to get a chance to talk to you
[Veilleux] I bet it is
[Hampton] Your team, the Smokin’ Bases had some ups and downs last year, how do you feel your team is coming together this year?
[Veilleux] Well Leslie,
[Hampton] It’s Jen
[Veilleux] If you interrupt me again, this interview is over. As far as the Smokin’ Bases go, we got out from under a lot of bad contracts in the off season and made some trades that I’m, quite frankly, surprised we were able to get done. I anticipate a breeze of a season on our way to a championship.
[Hampton] What do you think about the Thunder Buddies? They seem to have assembled a decent team this year.
[Veilleux] That was the Sons of Pitches from last year. Different name, same shitty team, Leslie.
[Hampton] It’s Jen
[Veilleux] {Walks Out}

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Player: Melissa Genovese
Team: Hebron Hillbillies
Favorite Activity: Winning
Favorite song: Electric Slide

Melissa has had a busy off season promoting her best selling book, “How to be a winner in a league full of losers”.
The gross sales from the book has far eclipsed the meager fine the league placed on her for some of the salacious stories she disclosed in the book.

Chapter Two excerpt:

I told Ryan Price that I needed the league to roll out a red carpet every time I arrived. He refused. When I explained that my softball game brought all the men to the yard, he said, “I’m the President, and that’s final”. President of an adult softball league… I can barely hold the laughter in now as I write this. Talk about being the king of the losers.

Chapter Four excerpt:

Winning the Hebron Cup last year was amongst the easiest things I’ve done in my entire life. Coach Roy would pass around a needle that we all took turns injecting in our backside’s. He said it was for good luck. Hard to argue after we brought home the hardware. He didn’t mention anything about this mustache growing in, but I’m getting used to it. I think next year we may play in a different league since this one really is no more than a waste of two hours of my day.

Melissa lives in Hebron with a hamster and a fridge full of Corona Light.
While she doesn’t need the money, you can find her on the weekends teaching kids and adults the Electric Slide at RHAM High School.
She can be contacted at boogie-woogie@aol.com to book your lesson. $625/person; 30 minute class.

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Name: Big Yellow
Nickname: Cauldron of Catastrophe
Favorite Activity: Rolling down hills

Big Yellow has become a mainstay on the Hebron Rec Sports circuit over the past year and is likely the most versatile asset in the league.
Big Yellow began its career dispensing water and disgusting Gatorade to disgusting children who would often pick boogers right before squeezing its button.

But Yellow, who has always been known to pour its everything into it, saw an opportunity to be the big pumba in the world’s classiest softball league.
After a rigorous evaluation that included, what the board agreed was a very deflated candidate from Foxborough, MA., they decided to give yellow a try, and there’s been no looking back.

While yellow still dispenses only water, it has found the refined adults in the league to be more to its liking.
Whether it goes camping, or to a local event to see other top industry talent, the venue is abuzz. YELL-OW! YELL-OW! the crowd cheers.
At the last event Yellow was at, Little Pink, a container from Hoboken went to talk to Yellow and dribbled 4 drops of water out of its spout before it did an about-face, and walked away. Always the humble celebrity, Yellow said, ‘Come back here, Pink, let’s talk shop’. “Really, said Pink?” “No”, said Yellow, “You dribbled all over me – I’m going to make sure you go to Napa where someone greasy will put their paws all over you until you eventually become an oil holder”.

Yellow lives in Hebron with his pet soda bottles, Orange Crush and Mello Yello.
He is shown in the picture above with his replacement, Big Orange, who currently dispenses water and Gatorade to smelly children.

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Player Name: Jarrid Clifton
Team: S.O.F.T. Ballers : Captain.
Favorite snack: Cheez Balls
Favorite Song: Amazing Grace

It’s hard to overstate the impact Jarrid has had since coming to the Hebron Harvest League in 2017. While his league leading home-run total last year had many questioning its legitimacy, with jeers of, “Hey McGwire”, or “Here comes Sosa, again” could be heard swirling throughout the mezzanines at the friendly confines of Veterans Park, it’s his dedication to community that few know of that leave us to marvel.

Born on the outskirts of Chicago in the late 70’s, Jarrid was the youngest of eight boys of Earl and Jenny Clifton, both locally respected shopkeepers. His brothers, Jimmy, Johnny, Roger, Tommy, Richy, Eddie, and Brutus all have spent and are currently spending time in a Illinois penitentiary for the successful and then eventual failed bank heists that ultimately became the film, “Heat”. Jarrid, while not a stranger to local law enforcement, never got involved with this particular exploit and the arrest of every last brother was a watershed moment for the young Clifton.

Jarrid decided to devote the remainder of his time to building better communities through outreach. Having lettered in baseball, football, soccer, wrestling and trivia, Jarrid began running after school athletic programs for troubled youth and at-risk adults in the Chicagoland area. After eight years of exemplary service to the community, Jarrid was given a key to the city by Mayor Richard M. Daley. At a conference in New Haven, Conn. to discuss his program with other leaders in the field, Jarrid decided to take in a show. He went to the Shubert to watch ‘Chicago’ and was taken aback by a Meg Noble, who had been playing the part of Roxie Hart. Jarrid pull off the most magical of heists and convinced Meg to marry him. They now live in Hebron with their 8 rescue dogs and 5 adopted children.

Never one to snooze on his duty, Jarrid contacted the local prisons to continue the outreach that garnered him such notoriety out west. When he contacted us here at the Hebron Harvest League, he let us know that he was going to field an entire team of convicts. While we were apprehensive, we were well versed with Jarrid’s work, and agreed.

When Pope Francis heard that Jarrid had taken on such a task that included such noted criminals as “Date Night Killers”, Cheryl Miller and Tanya Miner, he awarded Jarrid with the Order of Saint Gregory the Great for his meritorious civic service. If Saint Peter doesn’t have a comfy chair already prepared for Mr. Clifton, we all may want to reconsider our faith.

In his limited amount of spare time, Jarrid drinks a lot of beer from the Tree House Brewing Company and listens to the Wu-Tang Clan.

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Name: Robert Mangiafico
Team: Thunder Buddies
Nickname: The Defender
Fortnite Rank: Grand Master
Least Favorite Basketball Player: Shaq

Rob Mangiafico may be the most famous person in the Hebron Harvest League that nobody knows about. After years of being a commissioned naval officer that he eventually parlayed into a role in the movie “Down Periscope” with Kelsey Grammer, but let’s not get too ahead of ourselves.

After his naval service, Rob joined up with the Secret Service and quickly rose through the ranks, partly due to his softball skills but mostly because he regarded “Bedtime for Bonzo” as his favorite movie, a point he voiced loudly whenever within an earshot of President Reagan. In January of 1981, Rob was promoted to Eagle’s detail and was on site for that fateful day in March. While other photos have been etched into the fabric of our history as a nation, the one above shows Rob just as the bullets began to fly.

As President Reagan issued his farewell speech, he concluded with, “While I enjoyed the company of Rob Mangiafico, I do wish that I had chosen a slightly fatter guy to be my bullet man”.

After that, Rob went off into the sunset of obscurity and laid roots in eastern Connecticut. He began an internet company that he uses as a front to embezzle millions of dollars for his marijuana empire. This, of course, is conjecture.

After decades of seclusion where Rob played endless hours of NBA Jam, NBA Live, NBA2K and actual basketball, he went to open tryout for the Phoenix Suns in the 2007-2008 campaign. Rob was cut prior to the beginning of the season, although his take on why is somewhat different from that of the Suns front office. When talking to Vanity Fair, Rob said, “It really was a bum deal. I had a three ball stroke that would embarrass Reggie Miller, but that big buffoon of a center never passed the ball. Kobe was right – Shaq really is an asshole”. This comment really sparked the ire of Shaq, who would later call Maginafico, “A worse teammate than Kobe”. When reached for comment, Kobe said, “The only thing worse than being on Shaq’s team is listening to his albums”.

Rob has since settled down in Hebron with his wife, Christine and two children, “Hannah, who loves to be called, Banana, and Joey Bats”. He continues to run his “Internet Business” and is eager to get the season going. He would like to see more of his team utilize the Teamsnap App.

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Name: Enrico Pallasto
Team: Thunder Buddies
Favorite Music: Mariachi Death Metal
Favorite Retaurant: Los Pollos Hermanos
Favorite Food: Wings (Drums only)

It is with great pleasure that we welcome Enrico to the Hebron Harvest League after a long and storied career with the Mexican Baseball League.
The MBL retired Enrico’s number after the 2016 season after he lead the league in almost every pitching category imaginable for the last ten years.
As a part of the ceremony, when asked by his fellow countryman, Nomar Garciaparra, “What stat are you most proud of?” Without hesitation, Enrico responded, “My beers per innings pitched (BIP), which I believe I ended at 8.32”. “If that doesn’t demand a statue made of diamonds, I don’t know what does”.

The newspapers the country over held the retirement speech is the same regard as Lou Gehrig’s farewell. With the world as his oyster, Enrico searched around for the best offer and decided to entertain offers from across the border. With Enrico being on the radar of the Hebron Harvest League for years, his free agency was the talk of the boardroom for months. When Ryan Price convinced Rob Roy to cast the swing vote in favor of acquiring Enrico to defeat the majority bloc of xenophobes, the package was ready. $10M over 4 years with an option for a 5th at $1.75M.

When offered this attractive package, Enrico said, “No”.

After much deliberation, the board came back with a sweetened pot.
“I have worked out a deal with the local wing joints and they have agreed to let you eat for free for the duration of your contract”, said Price.
“You are a regular Houdini, Amigo”, Pallasto told Price. “I’m in, as long as there are no flats in any of the shops. Drums only! Flats are for babies or what we throw to the homeless”.

After a successful first season with the Sons of Pitches, Enrico spent some of his fresh coin and flew his team down to run with the bulls.
Enrico was forced to stop and explain to Danielle Brancard, who had stopped to take a selfie with the charging bull, that you don’t, under any circumstance, stop running, was lifted and thrown by the bull and landed on his head. After extensive surgery to his head and brain, he came through. He has spent the entire off-season recuperating at home and at the local wing joints. If you see Enrico this year, you might consider speaking a little slower so he can understand you.

His dog Toby is occasionally worried about him when he randomly yells, “Viva Thunder Buddies” throughout the night.
“I didn’t say worried. I said pissed off- this generally interrupts my second, third and fourth naps”, said Toby.

Enrico lives in a palace in Hebron with his caretaker and English speaking dog, Toby, and his two wives, Nikki and Brie.
He occasionally missed the Mexican beaches where he readily admits that his favorite activities were drinking margaritas and chasing senoritas.

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Name: Ida Price
Team: Thunder Buddies
Nickname: Ida Bomb
Favorite Song: One More Try: Timmy T.
Favorite Magazine: Tiger Beat

This was maybe the easiest decisions from an administrative aspect that the Hebron Rec Sports ever made. After the volleyball wing of our operation took a flier on Ida last year and offered her a minimum contract to play, she proved to be the lightning in the bottle for the league. Her rendition of ‘Pump up the Jam’ before every game was one of the primary reasons we were able to continually sell out and then offer premium pricing for otherwise crappy seats. This was, of course stalled by Ida’s mid year strike to renegotiate her contract. While the league held out for three weeks playing hardball, Ida waited them out and watched the ticket sales dwindle. I mean, she actually sat out in the parking lot and watched the attendance go down week over week. After that boondoggle, we vowed to avoid such messy dealings with top talent and invited Ida to our swanky island off the coast of the Hockanum River to discuss her 2018 softball season.

“I have a few requests”, said, Ida.
“Shocking”, said President Price
“1. I’m never playing on Veilleux or Gentile’s team.2. “I won’t call you the King of Hebron under any circumstance”. 3. ” I want all the money”.
“Basically the same contract as volleyball?”, said the King.
“Yes”, said Ida. “One more thing; I want a horse drawn carriage to take me to each game, but instead of horses, I want two guys of my choosing to pull me in. Let Veilleux and Gentile know they’re up for week one”.

While a lot of the press, press that Ida insists are no more than salacious tabloids looking to cash in on her fame, has not been the best look for her, it’s important to note that Ida spends a lot of her free time baking cakes and cookies for the kids of the world. Kids that have parents that have paid her a lot of money, that is. “I have so many talents, I really am impressive”. “If you want to be impressed, too, check out my cake shop. It’s called, Making the Moist of It”. “And for anyone who reads these stupid things on this loser of a website, I am more than willing to bring samples to any of the games this year, provided you have paid for them in advance”.

After the great success of her first book, “Cheerleading is a Sport”, she took the off-season to write her 2nd blockbuster of a book, “Volleyball and Life: Why I am Better than You”. It will be released on July 23.

Ida lives in Hebron with as she says, “Way too many boys”, although, as she continues, “I try to make the moist of it”.
Ida also prefers drums when it comes to wings like the rest if the civilized world.

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Eating lunch on their Aruban honeymoon, 2016. File Photo. Used with permission. NBC News.

Honeymoon; 2016. File Photo. Used with permission. ABC News.

Names: Dana & Trish
Nickname: TD
Team: Ball Smackers
Favorite Drink: Whiskey, Vodka, Bourbon, Moonshine, Grain, Tequila, Gin, Rum, Brandy, Scotch, Ale, IPA, Draft, Porter, Stout.
Wedding Song: “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” and “Girls, Girls, Girls”

Trish and Dana come to us enveloped in a cloud of mystery. No one knows where exactly they are from, which has exploded the local rumor mill. “Trish looks like that lady who killed her three husbands”, said local resident Nicole Cawley. “Dana? She looks innocent, but I’m pretty sure she eats her cats”, said Jason Plourde, thinking he was speaking with anonymity even though he was told multiple times that he was on the record.

They both showed up, unannounced and uninvited at the beginning of last year and said they wanted a tryout. Having no game tape or anyone who could vouch for them, Director of Scouting, Rob Roy, ran them through the gauntlet of the most difficult of softball skills tests, and they both passed spectacularly. Having seen what he believed were two diamonds in the rough, Roy called President of Baseball Operations, Ryan Price and let him know.

[Roy] Boss, I just put two walk on players through the test and they killed it.
[Price] Are you sure, or is this like that time where you talked me into extending Bobby Bonilla’s contract through 2035. I’ll be right there. “Or wait, is it like that time you told me country music was, “Real Music”?
[Roy] No sir, these girls are legit, and country music is real music.
[Price] “Let’s see the tape, you dumb bastard”.

After seeing the film Roy had, Hebron Softball offered a contract for both on the spot. After the numbers were worked out, Trish said;

“We play for the same team”
“No problem, said Price.
Dana interjected, “No, this year we want to be on different teams, but we still play on the same team”.
“Uh, sure…. whatever”, said Price.

After two successful rookie seasons, Trish and Dana decided to branch out and start their own team, citing irreconcilable difference with former manager, Rob Schadtle.

It was a clear black night, a clear white moon and our beat reporter, Warren G. is on the streets, to speak with Trish and Dana about this year.

[Warren G] “Trish and Dana, obviously your nickname, TD, comes from Trish & Dana, right?”
[Trish] “No, you moron, it stands for Touchdown”
[Dana] “Because all we do is score” {Dana and Trish engage in a 15 second chest bump routine}
[Warren G] “Ok, I’ve read the Maxim article and the one that ran in the Hebron Gazette, but can you expand a little bit on what happened between you and your former manager?”
[Dana] “What’s there to say? He was jealous of our success. I mean, when we’re smashing with averages over .700 with big dinger totals and he’s hitting .279 with 1 home run, it becomes personal.
[Trish] “He called us all the worst names in the book – he even called us Irish at one point”. “He was petty, and more concerned with his hair than winning a game”.
[Dana] “It’s going to be fun pop the chain in that guy’s face this year.

[Warren G] “So, now that you’re playing on the other team, what kind of expectations do you have”.
[Trish] “Playing for the other team is the best thing we ever did”.
[Dana] “I don’t know why we didn’t do this sooner”.

[Warren G] “Thanks Ladies. Have a great season”.
[Trish] “Screw You”
[Dana] “Go back to the LBC, loser”.